And Now, A Shopping-With-Toddler Mathematical Equation

The Approximate Time it Takes to Go Father's Day Shopping
(Even After an A.M. Playground Visit):

1. Figure how long you need in a store, i.e. 20 minutes.

2. Add 10 minutes of finding kid-related paraphanalia for your child to "borrow" while you find the departments you need.

3. Add another 10 minutes of returning to site of kid-related paraphanalia because what your child has borrowed needs "friends".

4. Chase child around store after you learn that a request for "out" (of cart/stroller/etc.) means they believe running away will lead you to spend ENTIRE time in kid-related paraphanalia section.

5. Bribery to spend end of store visit in kid-related paraphanalia section results in compliant child for 10 minutes.

6. Quickly scan departments you need, with not much success.

7. Opine that shipping costs from online orders are really just small sacrifices to the gods of sanity.

8. Spend remainder of store visit in kid-related paraphanalia section, seated on the dirty floor as your child assigns you animals to "be." Unless child begins jumping up and down, at which point you realize you will spend additional time at said store finding the filthy bathroom. Certainly you are being evaluated by hip, young aunts perusing section for "adorable" baby shower gifts. Ask if you give a flying squirrel's behind.

9. Determine that, as of fall, most if not all errands will take place on one of the two weekdays that child is in preschool. Or at the very least, determine that you need a new strategy altogether.

10. (Collapse.)